Brunhilde W.

11 Apr

You know my favorite song is? “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” Just making joke! And you Americans think Germans don’t have sense of humor? My best song is “Looking for Freedom” by your David Hasselhoff. I love the Knight Rider! Every night when I go to sleep I make dreams for Knight Industries Two Thousand car of my own. I roll down the windows and turn up stereo and feel wind in my hair as Knight Industries Two Thousand drive very, very fast on the Autobahnen. He so sexy Mr. Kitt.

My first husband, Adolph…no, not that one you silly! Get your mind out of Nazi gutter! Adolph not like when I watch Knight Rider because he jealous of sexy Mr. Kitt, so I leave him and get job at the beer hall. Brunhilde needs no man to make her woman! At first it very hard to carry many Weizenbier, especially while all the mans trying to touch my tooshie! But good thing Brunhilde mean “armored warrior woman.” I take idea from Mr. Kitt and learn self defense. Then I can carry many Weizenbier and kick mans with groping hands in balls so they stop grabbing my tooshie. Drink too much mans don’t know what hit them! I win with my Mr. Kitt defense. Now they leave my tooshie alone, and I can carry many Weizenbier.

I have new boyfriend, Hans. He has not jealous for Mr. Kitt. Hans has job at Würste factory, so if we get marriage maybe I can leave job at beer hall. I like job, but I rather stay home and watch Mr. Kitt on TV. Much more funny to see Knight Rider than carry Weizenbier all day. We see.

-As told to and translated by You Don’t Know Me by Brunhilde W., 59, Denkendorf, Germany.

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Bobby Jr. aka ‘Lil Boob Man

8 Apr

Boobs. I love Boobs. Seriously. I think Tits rock! You have a nice Rack by the way. I say break out the Bigguns, and let my lips play!

Can I have a jam session on your Bongos?

There’s nothing like Melons in the morning. More Cantaloupe and Honeydew please! Is it me or are your Headlights on?  Your Hooters would be lovely with a side of blue cheese.

I’m gaga for your Gagas. Your Chesticles are spectacles.

Knock knock? Who’s there? Your Knockers….in my face!

Aye aye, yo quiero mas Tamales. Jeepers creepers, let me suck your Peepers.

Niblets. Ninnies. Nippers. Nugs. I’ll pose forever if you show me your Jugs.

I’m bald as fuck, but who needs hair? ‘Cause you’ve got milk inside your Pair!

The fact is this. I just crapped my pants and know I look like a jackass, but I’m only moments away from lunch.  Soon it’s going to be you and me and your scrumptious Sweater Puffs. So shoot away camera boy, ’cause this baby’s ’bout to get him some Mammaroonies!

-As told to You Don’t Know Me by Bobby Jr., Age 10mths, Chester, PA

Marshmallow aka Queen of Sheba (in past) aka Mr. Powerfill (in future)

7 Apr

LOL white man. You make laugh all day at computer screen at me expense. You see. When I get head out of melon head I be going to shit in you face when you take nap. I read Shirley MacLaine Out on Limb. She me role leader. And she say I have many lives, not because I a cat, but because we all get recycle by God. Me past life I was Queen of Sheba and I rule over many peoples and get feeds grapes all days by men with no penis sticks.

But that then. We talk now. Now you think I dumb dumb cat who like eating fish out of can, but you see. In next life I come back and I find you. And me be very Mr. Powerfill person who make lots of dollar bills and you be stupid bug, and you crawl in me house one day and I crush you with me feet. I wearing fancy loafer by the ways. Like that. You die. And me get last laugh. Not you and your joke put melon on my head. Take that bug. You die. And me life. And me rich. And wear fancy loafer. Who make LOL now? You see.

Any of you persons have melon head opener? My ears need scratch!

-As told to You Don’t Know Me by Marshmallow 12 (human years), Tokyo, Japan.

Simon W. the Boy Band Wonder

26 Jun

Some people ask, how’d you come up with such a great class picture? Well, I’m not just lead clarinet in the marching band, but I’m also Vice President of the Western Movie Society at my school. So I thought I could make my photo like one of those comedy and tragedy masks, so people could see both sides of my personality. As you can see, I’m channeling Woody Herman. And Clint Eastwood.

My friend just showed me that MIA video where all those kids with the red hair are taken by the government and killed and stuff. That’s really messed up if you ask me. My mom always told me I was special because I had red hair, and then I see that video and I’m wondering if she’s been lying to me all these years. What’s next? The Tooth Fairy is a fake? Well if that’s the case, then who’s been leaving all those $5 bills throughout the years? Huh?

Things you should also know about me:

1. I’m taking an Advanced Debating Techniques class this summer, so there’s no use in arguing with me, EVER. You’ll lose every time.

2. I like to jam with my dog Porter.

We’re thinking of starting a band. Some of the names we’ve been tossing around are: Bones, No Drugs and Harmony (we’re straight edge) and We Be Jamming. No doubt we’ll take home the gold at next year’s Senior talent show.

And for all of you who’ve been making fun of my picture, I’d like to say, I don’t care. See, those people on reality TV are fighting so hard to get their 15 minutes of fame, and all I had to do was take one really cool class picture and sit back and relax while you all sent it to your friends and made me an internet superstar. Let’s face it, who’s still got fame at their fingertips? Me? Or that guy from Survivor who lied about his grandma dying so he could stay on the Island?

Yeah. I thought so.

-As told to You Don’t Know Me by Simon W. 15, Akron, Ohio.

John S. aka The Pooh in Blue

23 Jun

Oh, you think this was my idea? You want to know what I do for a living? I’m a freakin’ Fireman. Yeah, like 9/11 shit. You cry every time my truck goes barreling past with our freedom flags and placards dedicated to the ones we lost at the Twin Towers. That’s right. And look at me now–just another dude in a blue Pooh suit.

I watch MMA. I have my freaking purple belt assholes. That means I could arm bar your ass just for looking at me the wrong way. So don’t get any ideas. In other words, get your itchy little bitch fingers off of the Twitter, you non-book reading piece of shit. I see you. And I could know where you live, ’cause I’ve got a buddy who works downtown. We’re only a phone call away from a face to face meeting one dark and stormy night when you least expect it if you even THINK about sending this picture to one of your stupid friends. For real.

So now that we’ve got that settled, you probably want to know how I ended up here. A few weeks ago the wife and I were shopping at the Point Pleasant Mall, just trying to update our wardrobes a bit, you know, wife had to get herself a pair of those butt toning sneakers. After Owen popped out, her ass took a one way trip to massive, so we thought she could start walking her way to fitness, or some shit like that. Anyway, so we’re cruising the Mall and we pass Sears, and they’ve got this special, and next thing you know the wife says, “John, look, we could get a family picture…something for the holiday card.”  There was no running from this one people, trust me.

See Memorial Day I got real wasted after a big time Bros Icing Bros session–hysterical! And after one too many Smirnoff Ice, I ran into an ex of mine, Susan Finnigan. She was always a looker, and so she starts cozying up to me at the bar, even though I’m wearing my freakin’ wedding ring. But I was like frozen by the Ice, like nothing I could do to resist! Anyways, Eileen, my wife, happens to stop by with her girlfriends at just the exact moment that Susan starts to get all Snooki on me. And she loses it. She walks over and clocks Susan without even waiting for an explanation. You think I’m tough? You should see my wife. Don’t let that smile fool you people, her bark is nothing compared to her bite. So she gets in my face all like, “who do you think you are…I had your son you piece of shit…how dare you.” And I just sit there, I mean guys, when we fuck up, we know it and what can you do but take it like a man, right? So long story short, I get mega bitch slapped in public, and now the wife has the golden ticket. Like she owns my short and curlies. So when she says let’s get a Winnie the freakin’ Pooh family photo, I have nothing to say but, “yes, dear.” And here we are.

Cheese.

-As told to You Don’t Know Me by John S. 32, Somerville, New Jersey

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