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Roger Stevens and Tunafish Jones

12 Apr

I moved to Los Angeles in 1995. Came all the way from Ogallala, Nebraska on a Greyhound bus that smelled like sweat socks and sauerkraut. My mom always said I had a super sense of smell. Like Spidey sense. Good nose or bad nose, never did understand why they don’t have no rules ’bout what you can and can’t eat on a bus. ‘Specially if you’re goin’ to be sitting on it for 4o hours straight! Not to mention I sat next to an old man that farted his way right across America. No joke!

Anyways, came here to be a star. Everyone at home said I looked like that guy from The Greatest American Hero, so I shined my boots and hit the streets of Hollywood lookin’ for my big break.

Seemed that break I was lookin’ for was a sneaky SOB, so after my savings from workin’ at the Burger King back home dried up, I had to get myself a J-O-B!  PS. Don’t tell nobody, I know I worked at the Burger King and all, but I think that the Grimace is one cool mofo.  I know if there was an arm wrestlin’ match between The King and my man Grimace, I think we all know who would win. Right?!

So I get myself a job at a place called  Feel Da Vibrationz on Melrose Boulevard. Sold all kinda cool crystal necklaces and glass pipes for smokin’ the wacky tobacky. Anyways, one day I was workin’ at FDV (that’s what us guys who worked there called it) and this guy comes in and he says, ‘hey you look like that Will Ferrell guy.’  I guess I kinda did. And he says ‘you should be his body double.’  Anyways, long story short,  that guy was a casting director.  And next thing you know, I become Will Ferrell’s body double. I know, crazy, right?!

For all you non-believers, here’s some proof. It’s my back, in the underrated, yet high-larious (that’s how we used to say funny at FDV) film Semi-Pro, from 2008. Will didn’t feel like comin’ outta the trailer that day. So I got to be him.

That’s what I do. I get to be Will Ferrell when he doesn’t feel like bein’ himself. Some people might think that’s sorta sad, bein’ somebody else, but I say, show me the money! I say better to get paid to be Will Ferrell’s back, than not get paid at all. You know?

When you’re workin’ in show business it’s hard to stay in a relationship, I mean, ladies love me, but who has the time!? Especially when Will’s career is so white hott. With two TTs. So that’s why I got my best cat friend ever, Tunafish Jones (pictured above). We took this picture in 1999. He’s a long haired American feline. His fur is as soft as a baby calves’ butt and I love him like a brother.  We’re best friends. Even though I think his breath smells like Tuna all the time. But I guess that’s what happens when you got a nose that has super smellin’ powers. You’re always smellin’ the world ’round you.

-As told to You Don’t Know Me by Roger Stevens, age 45, Los Angeles, CA


Marshmallow aka Queen of Sheba (in past) aka Mr. Powerfill (in future)

7 Apr

LOL white man. You make laugh all day at computer screen at me expense. You see. When I get head out of melon head I be going to shit in you face when you take nap. I read Shirley MacLaine Out on Limb. She me role leader. And she say I have many lives, not because I a cat, but because we all get recycle by God. Me past life I was Queen of Sheba and I rule over many peoples and get feeds grapes all days by men with no penis sticks.

But that then. We talk now. Now you think I dumb dumb cat who like eating fish out of can, but you see. In next life I come back and I find you. And me be very Mr. Powerfill person who make lots of dollar bills and you be stupid bug, and you crawl in me house one day and I crush you with me feet. I wearing fancy loafer by the ways. Like that. You die. And me get last laugh. Not you and your joke put melon on my head. Take that bug. You die. And me life. And me rich. And wear fancy loafer. Who make LOL now? You see.

Any of you persons have melon head opener? My ears need scratch!

-As told to You Don’t Know Me by Marshmallow 12 (human years), Tokyo, Japan.

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