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Annie P. turns 30. Or 90.

4 Aug

Hey y’all. Annie here. Don’t let them there lasers stop your eyeballs from seeing my super-awesome-acid-wash-birthday-outfit. See, I woke up on the day of turning the big 3-0 and at first I was all sad.  Thinkin’ this was the beginning of the end. 30 just seemed so dang old! But then my girlfriend Susie said, ‘Annie, get your dang acid wash romper on and let’s go down to the Glamour shots in the galleria. No more birthday poutin’ for ya!’

So this is me all glamoured up and sittin’ pretty on my 30. Wait a minute, I’m blocking the 3, so people might think I’m turnin’ 90. Dang. That’s a big bummer y’all. But I guess the upside is, instead of people sayin’ ‘you look old for 30,’ they may be thinkin’, ‘whew, she looks good for 90.’ And I guess that ain’t that bad.

-As told to You Don’t Know Me by Annie P, 30, Harleyville, NC.

Hairy Larry the Gun & Rock Band aficionado of St. Louis

19 Apr


Name’s Larry. But all my friends call me Hairy Larry. Not that we’re friends. But whatever. I like guns. And Rock Band. In that order. I also like Funyuns. And Cheese Whiz. In that order. My favorite movie isn’t Scarface. That would be stupid. It’s Hitman, the 2007 movie that was based on the video game. The guns were sweet. Timothy Olyphant, who plays Agent 47, uses a Para-Ordnance P18.9 in that movie. Sweet gun. Some people think it was a .45. But it wasn’t.  Why guns? I don’t know. Because they’re sweet. Why not? Number one, they’re easy to get. Thanks NRA. And Walmart. In that order.  Number two, they’re sweet.

I know I look like Jack Nicholson. Not old, fat Jack in that stupid movie with that chick from that TV show. I’m like The Shining Jack.

I live at home. Why? Because working is for assholes. I can live in my mom’s basement for free. Paying rent is stupid.

I’m looking for a new girlfriend. I’m tired of doing laundry. Going to snare a chick on Match.com. So I took this picture. Dating chicks is like fishing. You need good bait. And I’ve got it. So now that I’ve posted this picture, I can sit back and wait for all the chicks to bite my hook. He he. Bite my hook. That’s sweet.

When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut. But I went to Washington DC once and ate that freeze dried ice cream and it tasted like crap. And then I didn’t want to be an astronaut because they have to eat crappy ice cream. Now I just want to be a guy who collects guns. And plays Rock Band.

Hey before I go, don’t forget to tell the chicks who like to do laundry to look me up on Match.com. Name’s Hairy Larry. See you cyberspace. Sweet.

-As told to You Don’t Know Me by Hairy Larry, age 38, St. Louis, Missouri

Brunhilde W.

11 Apr

You know my favorite song is? “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” Just making joke! And you Americans think Germans don’t have sense of humor? My best song is “Looking for Freedom” by your David Hasselhoff. I love the Knight Rider! Every night when I go to sleep I make dreams for Knight Industries Two Thousand car of my own. I roll down the windows and turn up stereo and feel wind in my hair as Knight Industries Two Thousand drive very, very fast on the Autobahnen. He so sexy Mr. Kitt.

My first husband, Adolph…no, not that one you silly! Get your mind out of Nazi gutter! Adolph not like when I watch Knight Rider because he jealous of sexy Mr. Kitt, so I leave him and get job at the beer hall. Brunhilde needs no man to make her woman! At first it very hard to carry many Weizenbier, especially while all the mans trying to touch my tooshie! But good thing Brunhilde mean “armored warrior woman.” I take idea from Mr. Kitt and learn self defense. Then I can carry many Weizenbier and kick mans with groping hands in balls so they stop grabbing my tooshie. Drink too much mans don’t know what hit them! I win with my Mr. Kitt defense. Now they leave my tooshie alone, and I can carry many Weizenbier.

I have new boyfriend, Hans. He has not jealous for Mr. Kitt. Hans has job at Würste factory, so if we get marriage maybe I can leave job at beer hall. I like job, but I rather stay home and watch Mr. Kitt on TV. Much more funny to see Knight Rider than carry Weizenbier all day. We see.

-As told to and translated by You Don’t Know Me by Brunhilde W., 59, Denkendorf, Germany.

Bobby Jr. aka ‘Lil Boob Man

8 Apr

Boobs. I love Boobs. Seriously. I think Tits rock! You have a nice Rack by the way. I say break out the Bigguns, and let my lips play!

Can I have a jam session on your Bongos?

There’s nothing like Melons in the morning. More Cantaloupe and Honeydew please! Is it me or are your Headlights on?  Your Hooters would be lovely with a side of blue cheese.

I’m gaga for your Gagas. Your Chesticles are spectacles.

Knock knock? Who’s there? Your Knockers….in my face!

Aye aye, yo quiero mas Tamales. Jeepers creepers, let me suck your Peepers.

Niblets. Ninnies. Nippers. Nugs. I’ll pose forever if you show me your Jugs.

I’m bald as fuck, but who needs hair? ‘Cause you’ve got milk inside your Pair!

The fact is this. I just crapped my pants and know I look like a jackass, but I’m only moments away from lunch.  Soon it’s going to be you and me and your scrumptious Sweater Puffs. So shoot away camera boy, ’cause this baby’s ’bout to get him some Mammaroonies!

-As told to You Don’t Know Me by Bobby Jr., Age 10mths, Chester, PA

Simon W. the Boy Band Wonder

26 Jun

Some people ask, how’d you come up with such a great class picture? Well, I’m not just lead clarinet in the marching band, but I’m also Vice President of the Western Movie Society at my school. So I thought I could make my photo like one of those comedy and tragedy masks, so people could see both sides of my personality. As you can see, I’m channeling Woody Herman. And Clint Eastwood.

My friend just showed me that MIA video where all those kids with the red hair are taken by the government and killed and stuff. That’s really messed up if you ask me. My mom always told me I was special because I had red hair, and then I see that video and I’m wondering if she’s been lying to me all these years. What’s next? The Tooth Fairy is a fake? Well if that’s the case, then who’s been leaving all those $5 bills throughout the years? Huh?

Things you should also know about me:

1. I’m taking an Advanced Debating Techniques class this summer, so there’s no use in arguing with me, EVER. You’ll lose every time.

2. I like to jam with my dog Porter.

We’re thinking of starting a band. Some of the names we’ve been tossing around are: Bones, No Drugs and Harmony (we’re straight edge) and We Be Jamming. No doubt we’ll take home the gold at next year’s Senior talent show.

And for all of you who’ve been making fun of my picture, I’d like to say, I don’t care. See, those people on reality TV are fighting so hard to get their 15 minutes of fame, and all I had to do was take one really cool class picture and sit back and relax while you all sent it to your friends and made me an internet superstar. Let’s face it, who’s still got fame at their fingertips? Me? Or that guy from Survivor who lied about his grandma dying so he could stay on the Island?

Yeah. I thought so.

-As told to You Don’t Know Me by Simon W. 15, Akron, Ohio.

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