Click Clack 2000 aka Floyd

30 Apr


Zero. One one. Zero. One Zero. Zero zero.

(Ed. note: At this point I had to switch Click Clack out of Data Mode and into Voice Mode so I could understand him. Apparently the Robot interpreter we hired to translate got “stuck in traffic.” The Programmers tell me Voice Mode is still in Beta, so there may be a few glitches.)

Oh. Sorry human. I forgot I was speaking with a human and not a fellow robot. These two men on my right and left call me Click Clack 2000. I prefer that you call me Floyd. I think that name is far superior for a handsome robot like myself.

I am made out of Titanium. And I am bullet proof. My programmers have designed me so I can see in the dark. I also have x-ray vision. That’s a nice brassiere you are wearing. La Perla?

I can speak 42 languages. Bo bourik mwen an! That is Haitian Creole for kiss my ass.

(Ed. note: Is Floyd telling me to kiss his ass one of those “glitches”? Or is this Robot just an a**hole?)

You have nice breath. It smells like fried cheese and cheap beer. Is this correct? Have you eaten fried cheese and imbibed in cheap beer? Perhaps Schlitz? Natty Light? Or my personal favorite Pabst’s Blue Ribbon. I like to drink Pabst’s so I can feel like a hipster. Do you know if they make skinny jeans for Robots?

Hello Dolly! Clang, clang, clang goes the trolley! Matchmaker, matchmaker find me a match!

(Ed. note: There’s a moment of extended awkwardness as Click Clack, I mean Floyd, begins to moonwalk in circles while singing more lines from show tunes.)

I’m singing! I’m dancing! I’ve got my own life!

Where was I? Some people do not like Robots because they have seen the 1984 film The Terminator.  And they think we are evil. We are not. We are fun loving pieces of Titanium with superior CPUs.  I have a question for you. What happened to the ‘dude it is a Dell’ man? He was my friend.

Purple is my favorite color? How about you? Do you think I’m sexy?

(Ed note: Floyd rolls over and tries to hump my arm. This cannot be a glitch. I’m convinced at this point, that this Robot and/or his Programmers are just horny and weird.)

Hello? Is it me you are looking for?

(Ed. note: And ingest way too much Pop Culture.)

Oh!  Me so horny! Me love you long time!

(Ed note: At this point I leave. This is the LAST time I agree to interview a Robot.)

Come back La Perla lady!

-As told to You Don’t Know Me by Click Clack 2000 aka Floyd, age 11, Cambridge, MA


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