Hairy Larry the Gun & Rock Band aficionado of St. Louis

19 Apr


Name’s Larry. But all my friends call me Hairy Larry. Not that we’re friends. But whatever. I like guns. And Rock Band. In that order. I also like Funyuns. And Cheese Whiz. In that order. My favorite movie isn’t Scarface. That would be stupid. It’s Hitman, the 2007 movie that was based on the video game. The guns were sweet. Timothy Olyphant, who plays Agent 47, uses a Para-Ordnance P18.9 in that movie. Sweet gun. Some people think it was a .45. But it wasn’t.  Why guns? I don’t know. Because they’re sweet. Why not? Number one, they’re easy to get. Thanks NRA. And Walmart. In that order.  Number two, they’re sweet.

I know I look like Jack Nicholson. Not old, fat Jack in that stupid movie with that chick from that TV show. I’m like The Shining Jack.

I live at home. Why? Because working is for assholes. I can live in my mom’s basement for free. Paying rent is stupid.

I’m looking for a new girlfriend. I’m tired of doing laundry. Going to snare a chick on Match.com. So I took this picture. Dating chicks is like fishing. You need good bait. And I’ve got it. So now that I’ve posted this picture, I can sit back and wait for all the chicks to bite my hook. He he. Bite my hook. That’s sweet.

When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut. But I went to Washington DC once and ate that freeze dried ice cream and it tasted like crap. And then I didn’t want to be an astronaut because they have to eat crappy ice cream. Now I just want to be a guy who collects guns. And plays Rock Band.

Hey before I go, don’t forget to tell the chicks who like to do laundry to look me up on Match.com. Name’s Hairy Larry. See you cyberspace. Sweet.

-As told to You Don’t Know Me by Hairy Larry, age 38, St. Louis, Missouri

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One Response to “Hairy Larry the Gun & Rock Band aficionado of St. Louis”

  1. brendan April 19, 2011 at 9:48 pm #

    This funny. I like it I like it

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